To make up for my grumpiness...

I've been posting a fair bit about things I don't like. Well, here's a couple of things I do like. A lot. Have a listen.

Resonance FM:
http://resonancefm.com/

WFMU:
http://www.wfmu.org/

Bad TV: False Tension on 24

I was using my computer to author a DVD the other night, so it was out of commission for an hour and half… what’s a boy to do but turn to that most antiquated of entertainments? Yes, television. I found that Rogers on Demand had the new season of 24 up. I’m not a fan, and watching episodes one and two of the new season made me remember why. Is there a single show on television that relies more on false tension than 24? Rather than real tension that comes out of great writing and acting [1], false tension is the use of hoary cliches to ramp up the drama. And it just doesn’t work.

Examples from the first two hours of this season:

1. Jack is brought into FBI headquarters to help with a case. He says he’s not interested. The FBI agent says it involves someone Jack knows. Cut to computer screen where we see a low-res image of a face slowly enhanced to reveal the person Jack knows. Bullshit. The FBI has had this file for awhile. They know who the person is. Why is their computer set to slowly render the image for Jack? Why not just show Jack the hi-res enhancement right off? False tension in action.

2. Terrorists plug a box the size of a Playstation into a computer and take over all the air traffic controls in the U.S. Okay, maybe that’s possible, suspension of disbelief and all that. So as a warning that they have this technology, they put two planes on a collision course. The planes, shown filled with businessmen and families, zoom towards each other. But, at the last second, the pilot in one plane is instructed by the terrorists to “pull up”, averting the collision. Now you could say this is a subversion of the audiences’ expectation that the planes will crash, or, you could call “Bullshit: false tension!” on this. It felt manipulative to me, so I choose the latter. At least the terrorists in Die Hard 2 made good on their threat by actually crashing a plane.

3. A sniper is trapped in a building surrounded by FBI agents. One of the agents goes into the basement where the sniper has managed to hide. A typical cat-and-mouse walk around supporting columns ensues, ending with the sniper and FBI agent face to face, pointing their guns at each other. “I’m here to get you out,” says the agent. Bullshit. No one with an ounce of sense would plan an extraction this way. So many things could go wrong… the sniper has no idea who the agent is and could have easily shot him before he had a chance to reveal himself as help. One of the hundred other agents could have found the sniper first. Oh, wait. It’s that damned false tension again. And so it goes…

24 is a substandard actioner if ever there was. Characters waiting anxiously for files to download isn’t drama. Text on computer screens that give away plot points (“deleting secret files”) isn’t drama. It’s just… yep, false tension (and bad writing). I won’t be watching hours 3-24. Though, if anyone is willing to take my bet, I’ll put a c-note on Jack saving the world.

-----
[1] See the first season of The Shield for a perfect example of this, the episode where closeted homosexual police officer Julian confronts an armed suspect while not wearing his standard-issue bullet-proof vest. The suggestion here is that he is so conflicted about being gay that part of him feels he deserves to die. Knowing Julian’s backstory, his taunting of the armed man is incredibly powerful stuff. And the whole season goes on like this, ratcheting up the tension through character moments until you think it can't possibly get any more tense, then ratcheting it up some more.

Yeah, I figured out how to embed vids...

Tell me this ain't catchy. FANTASTIC video editing job, too.

Wonderwall by way of Songsmith

There are really no words for how wonderfully awful this is. Songsmith is a piece of Microsoft software that allows you to sing into it, then creates the backing music for you. Some brave souls dumped the vocal from Wonderwall into and this is the result. Would have been top-10 in 1983.

The Ten Commandments of Podcasting

I’ve been listening to lots of podcasts lately and for the most part it has been a very enjoyable experience. While I’m all for the do-it-yourself, non-commercial ethos of podcasting, there are some general areas where most enthusiast-produced podcasts fall short. To that end, I present my highly-subjective, perhaps slightly curmudgeonly, “ten commandments of podcasting”.

1. Thou shalt identify your podcast within its first 15 to 30 seconds. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating it is to try to figure out what I’m listening to, especially if I’ve put the podcasts onto my Shuffle-type mp3 player. A simple identifying tag off the top, such as “My Podcast, episode 15”, would be very much appreciated. The exception for which thou shalt be forgiven: if you lead in with a song. But I’d still prefer the tag first.

2. Thou shalt keep podcasts to a reasonable length. Two-hour podcasts?! And you’re not playing music?! Pass, thanks! I have a fairly long attention span, but if a topic is worth discussing for two hours, why not break it up over several episodes? For me, the sweet spot is about 30 minutes. If you have an eclectic podcast covering many topics each episode, does it need so many segments in one show? If the Learning Company can give a pretty good overview of an incredibly complex topic like world religions in 20 one-hour lectures, surely to God you don’t need six hours to talk about the latest CSI episode. Less is more.

3. Thou shalt get to the point, for fuck’s sake. Do not blather on about what you ate for lunch or where you live, unless your podcast is about what you eat for lunch or where you live. I went to listen to a podcast this morning which was ostensibly about Aleister Crowley, and the hosts rambled on about their hometown and the dampness in the studio and their haircuts and fuck-knows what else for ages. There was no discussion of Crowley until about 14 minutes in! Edit, people!

4. If thou hast sponsors, thou shalt keep their ads to 30 seconds or fewer. So you got a sponsor or two to help cover your equipment or bandwidth costs. Fantastic. But the tags for those sponsors shouldn’t run more than half a minute each. Surely you’ve seen TV ads and heard radio ads? Brevity is key here. SomeComicShop.com has sponsored you? Okay. Tell me where they are and (briefly) what they sell. I don’t need to know that SomeComicShop.com has… “manga, monster manga, giant robot manga, oversize manga, manga collections, cosplay manga, Japanese schoolgirl manga, futuristic motorcycle manga, post-apocalyptic manga, octopus manga, manga-related toys including monsters, giant robots, futuristic motorcycles, octopi” etc. etc. SomeComicShop.com sells manga and related toys. Got it.

5. Though shalt check the audio quality before it gets to my ears. If it’s unintelligible to you, why are you subjecting me to it? You obviously want to communicate something. Why else would you be making a podcast? Learn to use your recording equipment. Set levels appropriately. Practice your microphone technique. These are all simple skills to master. If I download one of your podcasts and it is unlistenable due to some technical fault, I won’t be downloading subsequent episodes.

6. Thou shalt normalize. You recorded your podcast and, by whatever means you used, it ended up as a digital file. Now take an extra five minutes to normalize the volume. This is especially important if you’ve got multiple segments or used different recording sources in your podcasts. Audacity, the excellent audio editing freeware, makes this simple. If I find that I am constantly fiddling with my mp3 player’s volume control while listening to your podcast, I’m not coming back for more.

7. Thou shalt tell me the band name and the song titles on the podcast. Don’t make me refer to your website. I’m usually listening on the go. Having play lists on your website is a boon, especially for someone like me who loves lists, but don’t let that be only place I can get the info.

8. Thou shalt not talk over each other. Learn some simple interview techniques. It will make your show much more appealing. And do you really need half a dozen guys in the studio all vying to be the funniest or smartest guy on the podcast? As well, please don’t chatter or cough or unwrap biscuits during songs if you’ve got a music podcast. There’s no excuse for this. It doesn’t make the show sound hip or intimate. It makes it sound sloppy and amateurish.

9. Thou shalt remember thine medium. It’s audio. I can’t see what gestures you are making with your hands. I can’t see the latest [insert object here] if you hold it up to the mic. And, unless you’re a particularly logical and eloquent instructor, I don’t think I’m going to be downloading in your origami-making podcast. Use descriptions. Keep it simple.

And finally…

10. Thou shalt not make me go through iTunes. If that’s the only way I can get your podcast, I won’t hear it. I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

Cheers.

Not a vibrator (but still exciting)...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7851989.stm

And the Oscar had better go to...

Listen. Read.

The first issue of Incognito, the newest comic series by writer Ed Brubaker and the inimitable artist Sean Philips is out now. Here's how Ed describes it:

Incognito is a noir pulp story about a super villain hiding who he really is in a witness protection program, but he tires of trying to live a suppressed ‘ordinary life’... It's like when the film Goodfellas ended. I wanted to see what happens next, when the bad guy can't take his forced normal life anymore.

I've read issue #1. It is on par with anything from the Brubaker-Philips team, and that's high praise indeed, with Sleeper and the ongoing Criminal both being excellent series. How the hell Philips draws so fast and keeps the quality this high is beyond me. (If you're chained to a desk against your will, hooked into a coffee and cocaine IV drip, Sean, I'm sorry, but I'll have to side with the publishers and keep you there cranking the stuff out...)

Hear Ed talk about Incognito and his other projects on the Wordballoon podcast here:

http://media.libsyn.com/media/wordballoon/WBbruincognito.mp3

Great things about Toronto #1

Click on the graphic and get out there and support live theatre!

Makes you proud to live here, dunnit? And nice to know that there's more to the theatre scene than Happy Days: The Musical.

Grant's Advice

A riter's hard-sell

I reproduce here an entire Email from a would-be writing partner:

I could be someone to bounce ideas off. Although I really have nothing to bring to the table but my incredible copy-and-paste talent.

I'll just cut-and-paste this one into the recycle bin...

Dear Mr. Obama,

Do a good job.

Or I may just have to NiceCritic you.

How touchy-effing-feely of you

http://lifehacker.com/5134177/nicecritic-sends-awkward-messages-anonymously

Jesus H.! Are we becoming so deathly afraid of personal contact or offending someone that it has come to this?! God forbid we confront someone directly, or find a tactful way to say something about what may be a sensitive issue for someone else. God forbid we interact!

The creators of this service should be told that this is complete bullshit. I'd do it, if only it was one of the pre-chosen messages I could send anonymously through their service. I wouldn't want anyone to think that I, personally, had a problem with anything...

Cue John Williams' signature tune in 25.1 surround sound...

It had to happen. Well, it didn't have to, but... it's going to...

According to The Hollywood Reporter, George Lucas is such a fan of the latest 3-D technology that he is planning to remaster all of the Star Wars films for rerelease in 3-D.

As the fans of Star Wars get older and fatter is there going to be room in the theatres for them plus Jabba and the various Death Stars busting out of the screen?

I'm holding out for My 3-D Dinner With Andre.

NOT that I wish family illness on anyone...

...but, damn!, it sure is nice to listen to CBC Radio One's Metro Morning without that pretentious blowhard Andy Barrie yakking over the people he's "interviewing". If Andy doesn't return, the Corp. would be seriously remiss if they didn't offer the job to the always-engaging Kevin Sylvester.

Next timelord a serial killer?

If so, can he go back in time and make Dexter season 3 not happen? And maybe take Rita as his companion and dump her off on some distant planet somewhere?

Twice Removed?

I walked past the Royal Winter Garden Theatre last weekend, and noticed a banner for "Happy Days: The Musical". So let me get this straight: we're about to get a nostalgic look at a nostalgic look at the 50s?! Fuck me.

My new million-dollar pitch to any theatre producers reading this: I Got Nothin': The Musical!

Pilates Class

Fuckin' Hell.

But what would a lazy person DO with an extra 10 minutes?!

Nope. It doesn't cook 'em...
http://www.hammacher.com/publish/76306.asp?promo=new_items

And only $499 U.S.

The first resolution to fall by the wayside...

Maybe in 2010...

UPDATED: Riters who kant reed rite to me

So, more about my quest to find a writing partner. My advert specifically states that I'm looking for a collaborator local to Toronto.

So far, here's how the responses break down:

From Los Angeles: 3
From London, England: 2
From Manhattan: 1
From New Jersey: 1
From Toronto: 3

...and one response from someone who offered to show me his "special effects makeup portfolio". I'm choosing to take that one literally, not as some sort of cloaked sexual come-on.

Conclusions? (1) Two-thirds of people who consider themselves writers can't read and understand a basic request. (2) Latex fumes rot your brain something awful.

Addict, meet Crack.

I apologize in advance.

http://thenonist.com/index.php/thenonist/permalink/hot_library_smut/

Question of the day

Does anyone out there work in a "paperless office"? Thought not. Back to your filing.

R.I.P. Patrick McGoohan

I was saddened to read that Patrick McGoohan has left this life.

The Prisoner had a lot of impact on me when I came to it in my late 20s. It changed how I view story-telling and shook me out of the idea that continuity is king. That the 17 episodes of The Prisoner can be watched a number of different ways without affecting the story and themes running through the series greatly appealed to me then, and still does. I was surprised to learn that there is no “official” order for the series, other than the generally agreed-upon first and final episodes (“The Arrival” and “Fall Out”). Even the order originally aired may not have been the order intended by McGoohan who only wanted to make seven episodes. For six possible permutations, go here:

http://stason.org/TULARC/tv/the-prisoner/4-In-what-order-should-I-watch-the-episodes-The-Prisoner.html

As well, I like the fact that the meaning of “Fall Out” is still up for debate. I think too many people want their favourite TV series to wrap everything up in a tight bow when they end. Remember the Sturm und Drang over The Sopranos’ finale? The Prisoner proved that television didn't have to be a one-way medium, that it could spark debate and allow the viewer some room to think. Who ran The Village? Someone with a political bent far from your own? Or, more chillingly, someone with political leanings very close to yours? Was the implication that the viewer was "Number One"?

For those of you who may not know this, DC Comics published an authorized sequel to The Prisoner. It's out of print, I think, but well worth digging up if you’re interested in the series. The Toronto Public Library has a couple of circulating copies. Like the series, writer Mark Askwith and artist Dean Motter wisely leave it up to the reader to interpret what “happens” to The Village and Number Six.

You’re a free man now, Mr. McGoohan. R.I.P.

Cold day. Hot read.

I picked up Casanova vol. 1: Luxuria from the good old public library last evening. How did I miss this series?

The writing from Matt Fraction is top-notch, full of twists and humour and crazy takes on tired sci-fi concepts. This book's got it all: clones, robots, a S.H.I.E.L.D.-type spy agency (here known as E.M.P.I.R.E.), mysterious villains, huge shoot-outs, time travel, multiple dimensions, twins, floating heads... and it all works without feeling a single bit forced or derivative. You'll smile in recognition of what Fraction has lovingly borrowed and effortlessly re-purposed. As he says, Casanova is "...an excuse to execute every abject genre jolly I ever had, so, y'know. Bonus." For him and the readers!

And the art! Gabriel Ba does a great job. Abstract, completely unrealistic, and full of motion and power. It doesn't look at all like Kirby FF, but it sure moves like it. Think of a cross between Kirby and Kevin O'Neill, and you'll get the idea. As well, the comic isn't colour, it's black and white, with an olive tone added for shading and emphasis throughout. Take a look at the above picture to see how well this has been employed.

Luxuria reprints issues one through seven. I'm just over two-sevenths of the way in and I'm utterly hooked. A great read on a cold, cold day.

Another riter

This also came in response to my ad for a writing partner:

Here is a sample of writing that I did for a small comedy plot:

You have one male host named Mr. Hockey, who loves all types of sports, but his favourite is HOCKEY!!!

You have one female hostess named Mrs. Artsiss Fartsiss, who loves art shows, gallery shows, anything and everything to do about art!!!

The tension between them is so think that you can cut it with a hockey stick if you get my drift, which you will find later in this segment!

Mr. Hockey goes to the Air Canada Centre for opening game of the Leafs and Canadiens. During the game he stops 5 fans that have their shirts off and all of them spell L-E-A-F-S. He asks them the History between the Leafs and Canadiens. One of them farts and tells Mr. Hockey the whole history. The fan has a spray can and wants to spray! and Mr. Hockey decides why not and joins the fans for the rest of the game.

Mrs. Artiss Fartisss just left a starving arts show; she farted by accident and her stomach making growling noises. I think that she was main painting in the whole show.

The tension between these people escalates because Mrs. Artiss Fartiss can find a 5 Star restaurant and was forced to eat at Lick's. She accidentally bumps into Mr. Hockey inside Lick's and both hit the floor and she glances at him while they are still on the floor. Her facial expression says it all because she is looking at the other Mr. Hockey it you get my drift.

They both get up and decide to have dinner together, and the saga continues! THE END!

Too bad I lost my English-UtterFuckingNonsense dictionary.

Oppertunity losed?

I've recently been trying to find a collaborator to work on some comedy sketches (one of my many passions). So I placed an ad around the web, on a few selected sites. This came in response:

"hey.... i do have a more dry whit... and python is something i enjoy.... but my favorite has to be kids in the hall... but something i have been doing or trying to lately has been what i like to call policing pop culture... things are getting out of hand and there are way to many stupid people with nothing to say but mics in there hand and for some reason people are blind to this idiocy ... so i have been writing things like ... for example do u rember the CLUB BANGER with the brilliant writing THIS IS WHY IM HOT .... brilliant... anyways i wrote a skit for a friend to wrap this is why im hot while running on a tredmile.... standing on a bech with his winter coat on in the sauna... things like that.... i have a couple friends that like to write and want to do some shit to so i dunno maybe we could colaberate"

So I wrote a short, polite note declining, and got this back within moments:

"wow that was short u asked for somone that was funny to write with not an editor .... your loss good look with making people laugh"

Maybe I should have taken him on. He sure made me laugh.

Nine Years On...

Question of the Day

How the Hell does this man manage to write so much?! Add Thames: Sacred River to my must-read list...

Open letter to Stephen Moffatt....

Can we retire that one on the left for awhile, say Matt's first two or three seasons, and never see that one on the right again? Ta.

When you monged so soft and blacked in cupboard

In the mood be deeply disturbed while laughing yourself silly? Download Blue Jam here:

http://chilled.cream.org/boards/index.php?PHPSESSID=6fdbd33dd642ddf557929e04c1c2ddec&page=bluejam

You know those connections your brain makes when something is mentioned in passing? That's how I stumbled upon Blue Jam. I knew a bit about Chris Morris, having seen his excellent news satire The Day Today. But nothing could have prepared me for this. Hard to imagine it being broadcast on the radio, even after midnight.

I swear I do all the heavy lifting around here. Enjoy.

Doctor When?

It wasn't until speaking with a couple of friends that I realized the CBC has not yet shown "The Next Doctor", the Doctor Who Christmas Special. I download all these things through bittorrent as soon as they've aired on BBC UK, as I prefer to see them sooner than later, and also because I want to see all the related shows, like Doctor Who Confidential. Does the casual viewer of Doctor Who on CBC even know they've announced a new Doctor?

What is CBC doing? Given that this is a very popular show, why are they so haphazard with when they run it?

So, to those of you haven't seen the Christmas special, you now know it's set in Victorian England, features the Cybermen and a creature called the Cyberking who destroys chunks of London, and that Tennent is being replaced, all thanks to my previous posts.

Um... sorry?

Get Thee to a Hootery

No, not the restaurant!

If you're a fan of odd stories, Google "Hooting Yard" and have a listen.

If asked to justify, I'd be happy to, but for now...

I'll just say that Dexter season 3 sucked! And I'm the person who thinks Dexter season 1 was about as close to a perfect season of television as it gets.

[Photo Caption: Harry sez: "Let me give you another obvious plot point, Dexter. Oh, and can you cue the hazy lighting, please?"]

The 11th Doctor

Memo to the internet: shut the F up and give the new fella a chance! Sorry to tell you, but you're not the casting director, producer, or executive producer of Doctor Who.

Six Random Thoughts on the Doctor Who Christmas Special

1. Cyberking? Really? Why does every RTD threat have be huge and destroy great chunks of London?!
2. Cyberking? Idea pinched from the Sentinels' Master Mold, d'you reckon?
3. Oooh, fair bit of slaughter going on in the graveyard. Bit much for the kiddies?
4. Damn, the new series' Cybermen redesigns are fantastic.
5. The Cybermen "fit" Victorian England better than they do the 21st century.
6. Russell is leaving soon. Huzzah!

"Two Brits in Hiroshima laugh at history, literature, politics, music and life in Japan"

Found this awhile back using Podcast Pickle or somesuch. If, like me, your winter commute to work is a half-hour or so each way, you've got nearly two months' of laughs ahead of you with this.

Well worth a listen.

A-Bomb City Podcast. Or, find the links to all 50 epsiodes on one handy page here.

be wewwy, wewwy qwiet.

Foley. For a silent film. Insipred.

Click thru...

Cranial Clearinghouse

This blog is going to be a lot like me (I hope): contradictory, and full of all sorts of crazy ideas. Links to stuff I like. Thoughts on writing. Thoughts on films and television shows I've seen. Reviews of music as I work my way through the jazz greats.

Everything here is subjective. Don't like something I like? Great! What sort of world it would be if we all just wanted to watch Yes Man, all wanted to read John Grisham novels, and all wanted to listen to CHUM-FM. Fuckin' Hell, that sounds awful, dunnit?

So feel to disagree, but if you're going to really take me to task for liking something, tell me why you don't like it.

Welcome.