The abuse of language continues...

This was on the Weather Network's website:

Poll? Vote? Where the hell did the people who wrote this go to school?!

Poll: "a sampling or collection of opinions on a subject, taken from either a selected or a random group of persons, as for the purpose of analysis."

Vote: "express one's preference for a candidate or for a measure or resolution"

If anything, this is a quiz, and one could submit an answer or a guess, but not a vote. Opinion or preference has no value in this case. No amount of voting can affect the answer, as the answer is a fact. Hence there can be no opinion about its validity. The imprecision with which language is used never ceases to amaze and annoy me. No, wait... amaze isn't the correct word...

Maybe the Weather Network boffins aren't used to absolutes. "50% chance of Scorpius this month... with a possibility of Orion blowing in from the northeast."

*The correct answer (not opinion) is Orion.

Infantalization, part 4

Lifehacker's newest amazing article... Are you sitting down?... Are you sure you're ready for this?... okay, it's called, "Make Mashed Potatoes for Just Two People". Click on the link if you don't believe me. The article is mostly a preamble to a link to another site which gives the actual instruction (a whopping 635 words! Holy over-explaining!). But here's what Lifehacker has to say on the matter,

Mashed potatoes can be seriously comforting at the end of a long day, but most recipes require a lot of potatoes, specific equipment, and a big mess.

I love the writer's assertion that "most [mashed potato] recipes require a big mess."

I was heartened to see most of the comments on the article were as sarcastic and derisive as my posting here.

Lake Shore

Everyone's abuzz about how racist and homophobic the characters on the new "reality" show, Lake Shore, are. Forget that, how about just plain stupid?

Behold, the certainty and wisdom of Downtown D!

"Computer! Now, dammit! I'm a taxpayer!"

Some people should not go out in public. Seriously.

I was at the library today, using the internet. A woman, mid-30s, highly-strung, starts demanding, not asking politely, that someone give up a computer to her because she had to send something by a certain time. I saw her looking at what I was browsing (some products on the Source’s website) and felt her giving me attitude which said, "what you're looking at isn't important." I politely told her that I was using the computer and wouldn't be giving it up before my allotted time had run out. All the other computers were in use, too, and her aggressive attitude wasn't getting her anywhere.

So, off goes Miss Important to the head librarian and within earshot of everyone using the computers, starts to complain very loudly about how selfish people are and that she owns a house and pays $12,000 in property taxes and therefore should get computer time at the public library when she needs it. "These people," she said, indicating the computer users (me included), "don't even own property!" I couldn't believe my ears, and couldn’t let this go past without comment. I said to the woman that perhaps someone would be willing to give her a computer if she wasn't so damned offensive. She was so caught up in her tirade, it didn’t seem to register.

Ugh. What a horrible human being, and such a sense of entitlement. I hope she missed whatever deadline she was trying to make.

Bizarro-Toronto?

Fuckin' hell.

And is it just me or does Ford remind anyone else of Sheriff J.W. Pepper (as played by Clifton James) from the early Roger Moore Bond movies?

Revenge of the Office Drones

I see Lifehacker's at it again... posting pointless and extremely juvenile articles. Today's masterwork, "Defeat Food Thieves Once and for All with Laxatives", in which the article writer and commentors discuss many ways to keep others in your office from eating your lunch. Everything short of polite confrontation or keeping your lunch with you, that is.

If high-school revenge pranks are now story material why, then, Lifehacker, have you not responded to my proposals for the following articles?

• Poison Yourself. Without you at work, whose lunch will those thieves steal?
• Social Interaction: Not Just for Team Building Meetings!
• Poison Your Way to a Nicer Workplace
• They Steal Your Lunch, You Steal Their Desk: The Fine Art of One-Upmanship
• Sarin Gas: That'll Teach 'em.
• Death by Chocolate: The Literal Recipe
• You Say "Po-tay-to", I say "Deadly Snake Venom"
• What's for Lunch? A Bag of Bees!
• High Voltage Tuna Salad
  
• Common Decency: A Reappraisal
  
• Lunchroom Death or Fun Prank? A Legal Primer
• Co-Workers, You Can't Kill Them. Wait... Yes, You Can. Here's How

Infantilization #3

I like Lifehacker (lifehacker.com), but sometimes the articles are ridiculous. One recent article was entitled, "How to Safely Disinfect and Clean Your Gadgets". One commenter, too stupid to realize we have products like dish soap asks,

Any DIY receipe for the iKlenz rather than paying $20 for water and a bit of some secret ingredients? [grammar and spelling uncorrected]

Really?!

If your readers really are this dim, Lifehacker, I would like to propose the following articles:

• Top Ten Tools to Help You Replace a Light Bulb (and how you can purchase them from me)
  
• Sneezing 101
• How to Hold Things
• Using Bar Soap
• Use Electrical Tape to Mark Your Toilet Brush and Ensure You Don't Use it to Wash Your Car, Scrub Your Back, or Brush Your Teeth
• Use a Proper Stance to Increase Your Unplugging Force
• Get Up: What to Do After You Fall Down
• What Could the Phone Ringing Mean? (a ten-part series)
• Using a Keyboard to Type
• Pencils and Eyes: Natural Enemies?
• How to Baby-Proof Blankets
  

Knob-ends Add Homemmade Sharrows to McDonnell Ave

So... someone, or a group, painted two way-sharrows on McDonnell Avenue, a one-way street in the west end of the city.

Read the full article on Blog T.O.

Fuckin' Hell. I cannot believe people would act so irresponsibly! I hope the cops find the idiots who did this and give them the maximum penalty.

Guerrilla road-markings have no place in our city. Apart from the obvious--potentially causing serious accidents--they don't foster good relations between cyclists and drivers, many of whom already believe cyclists are taking up more than their share of the road.

Just because you, part-time Guerrilla Painter and full-time Selfish Prick, may want to ride against the traffic on a one-way street because it's a convenient way for you to get to work or wherever, doesn't mean you should be allowed paint a directional arrow and then do it! It's... What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yes: illegal! Also, for nearly each one-way street in this city there are others nearby, parallel to it, usually going in the opposite direction. You're on a bike; those streets are often under a minute away.

Hey, Perpetrators, what if drivers decided to follow your example, painting over legit sharrows, or removing stop signs to expedite their travel? Sharrows have improved every road they've been put on. Don't diminish their effectiveness by painting your own! Don't make drivers guess which ones are legit and which ones aren't! Roads, whether you're driving a car or riding a bike, are no place for guesswork.

Infantilization II

Not so fast, you fun-loving little bugger!

Kite flying is now banned in a Toronto park, The Toronto Star reports. One of the reasons cited was that some kite-flyers were cutting people with their nylon kite cords. Well, isn't that a question of assault at that point? Furthermore, is anyone really doing this cutting intentionally?

I hate this city some days.

The Infantilization of society continues...

Is it just me or is everyone getting stupider, unable to complete the simplest of tasks without someone helping them or consulting a "smart"phone application?

While browsing Lifehacker, a site I quite like, I came across this reader's question:

Any[one] have suggestions on tools to open those clamshell plastic packages? I usually try a combination of scissors and a knife but would definitely appreciate something easier.

Easier?! Tools don't get much simpler than a knife or scissors!

Cue the Dunce Apocalypse.

Fordin' Hell

He's worse than Mel Lastman... at least Mel was, for the most part, a well-intentioned idiot. Rob Ford is proving again and again that he's a mean-spirited idiot.

When the time comes, get out there and vote!

In case you don't know when you're being a &#$@ing jerk

Click here.

You're fucking welcome, and get off your high horse why don't you?!

It won't be long until we really do become the fat, floating-chair society shown Wall-E.

I KNEW this was a bad idea...

So I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for an unpaid writing partner to develop sketch comedy with. The first response?

Listen up, pal.

You want to write comedy? Let me tell you I'm the guy you want to work with. I can make anything funny. That's my deal, I'm a comedian.

If you got any guts you'll take me up on this.

I charge $300 a day for my cutting edge critiques of society, sobriety and entertainment news. I make David Letterman look like a shit I took after eating too many granola bars with too much cocaine.

Wanna know who influences me? Your wife. When I banged her last night.

BAM!

Anywhore, write back or something.

[name, wesbite deleted]

P.S. If your wife gets pregnant don't contact me.

"Listen up, pal... if you've got any guts..." Not "Hi," or "Hello". What sort of introduction is that?! He's going to goad me into working with him? Oh, and he wants $300/day? And he used the words "BAM!", "anywhore", and made reference to banging and impregnating my wife? Fuck me, that's hilarious! I'm thinking, "No way I could work with you, 'Pal'."

Of course, instead, I politely declined by Email. This was his follow-up:

You won't make it anywhere in this business if you won't settle for anything less than slave labor.

Got it?

If you're short on dough we can work something else out. Tell you what- I work for you one week and in exchange you can give me whatever kind of car you drive. Unless it's a real nice one. I'll give you two weeks of work for a beemer.

"Got it?"?! What is with this guy and his confrontational attitude? And what's with him upping his price to cars all of a sudden? When I wrote back, suggesting he was a bit delusional, and that he not continue to contact me, he wrote:

Hey pal,

Obviously you know nothing about great writing, great comedy, fine dining or fine art for that matter.

Next time you go to a museum and see a fuckin' Pollock on the wall and say, "Hey, my kid could do that" my point will be illustrated again.

Maybe you find that helpful, you putz.

Huh? What now?! Fine dining? Fine art? How did those things get dropped into this conversation? And what is the Pollack point, exactly? I wrote back saying I thought he was funny, but not intentionally. His reply:

I try, what can I say?

And indeed, what more can I say? Other than, predictably, "fuckin' hell."

Question of the Day: Why Doesn't Your Brain Work?

Okay, since Inception opened I've been reading sentences like these in online reviews:

• "...ends up frustrating the audience because it all can't be figured out on the first viewing."
• "...worth the investment just to be able to say you sat through it, even if you can't follow all of its meandering machinations."
• "Some details of the labyrinthine plot are simply too obscure to comprehend on a first viewing."
• "I suspect even repeat viewings won't be enough to nail this one down."
• "...challenges our ability to keep up."

Seriously?! For a film about dreams, it's incredibly logical. It's also a lot of fun if you go with it. Listen, if you're over 14 and you cannot follow the plot of Inception, (1) you're an idiot; (2) you should not be reviewing films; and (3) you really are an idiot. Feel free to make make judicious use of train tracks.

Good Idea: Paper to readers: Comments now cost 99 cents and your name

From The Attleboro Sun-Chronicle website.

The gist is this: to prevent being held liable for anonymous comments posted on their site, this news outlet would require people who wish to comment on articles to pay a one-time fee of 99 cents and properly identify themselves. This is "to eliminate past excesses that included blatant disregard for appropriateness guidelines, blind accusations and unsubstantiated allegations." Sounds reasonable. Also, "Registrants understand that under existing state and federal laws they are legally responsible for any comments they post." Again, more than reasonable. Left unchecked, it's only a matter of time before someone starts taking website owners to court over postings made by anonymous commenters.

Some say this will retard "user interaction". I'd say to that, "the users' interactions are already retarded."

(And... predictably!... the comments following this online article are inane and pointless, with posters decrying that--gasp!--they will be responsible for what they write).

Sigh. And good on The Attleboro Sun-Chronicle!

What a crock!

Today, beside an overflowing public garbage bin in my neighourhood (Rosedale), I saw a good-sized pile of discarded crockery. Think about that: crockery! Is this really what you need to be throwing out during a garbage strike?! "Well, Mavis, this crockery's gone right off. Starting to smell. We'd best chuck it now, garbage strike or no."

People are fucked. And selfish. And did I mention fucked?