More weirdness from writerspace

I can't prove it, but I think the idiot from this posting sent me another Email, from a different Email address. It has the same smarmy "charm" and egomaniacal flavour. I've not responded to anyone else who has sent me Emails (yet), so the reference to the little brother being a brat makes sense...

I've been thinking about it and I really think we should do this comedy thing. Sorry about my little brother being a brat. He can be annoying sometimes. Anywho when are you free? [...I] hope you haven't found another "partner in crimedy"!

So I have a few questions to ask about the project.

[...including] 4) What was your most embarrassing moment?

I'm really excited about this. My friends tell me I'm super funny (and super hot!). What do you want the different sketches to be?

I can't wait till we do live performances and make a lot of money (50/50, right babe?). I'll totally be the best writer you ever work with.

Message me back and send me a pic, babe.

Same guy, you think? And who calls another man "babe"? Either way, I'm not responding. (Moves mouse over the "report spam" button in Gmail...)

I KNEW this was a bad idea...

So I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for an unpaid writing partner to develop sketch comedy with. The first response?

Listen up, pal.

You want to write comedy? Let me tell you I'm the guy you want to work with. I can make anything funny. That's my deal, I'm a comedian.

If you got any guts you'll take me up on this.

I charge $300 a day for my cutting edge critiques of society, sobriety and entertainment news. I make David Letterman look like a shit I took after eating too many granola bars with too much cocaine.

Wanna know who influences me? Your wife. When I banged her last night.

BAM!

Anywhore, write back or something.

[name, wesbite deleted]

P.S. If your wife gets pregnant don't contact me.

"Listen up, pal... if you've got any guts..." Not "Hi," or "Hello". What sort of introduction is that?! He's going to goad me into working with him? Oh, and he wants $300/day? And he used the words "BAM!", "anywhore", and made reference to banging and impregnating my wife? Fuck me, that's hilarious! I'm thinking, "No way I could work with you, 'Pal'."

Of course, instead, I politely declined by Email. This was his follow-up:

You won't make it anywhere in this business if you won't settle for anything less than slave labor.

Got it?

If you're short on dough we can work something else out. Tell you what- I work for you one week and in exchange you can give me whatever kind of car you drive. Unless it's a real nice one. I'll give you two weeks of work for a beemer.

"Got it?"?! What is with this guy and his confrontational attitude? And what's with him upping his price to cars all of a sudden? When I wrote back, suggesting he was a bit delusional, and that he not continue to contact me, he wrote:

Hey pal,

Obviously you know nothing about great writing, great comedy, fine dining or fine art for that matter.

Next time you go to a museum and see a fuckin' Pollock on the wall and say, "Hey, my kid could do that" my point will be illustrated again.

Maybe you find that helpful, you putz.

Huh? What now?! Fine dining? Fine art? How did those things get dropped into this conversation? And what is the Pollack point, exactly? I wrote back saying I thought he was funny, but not intentionally. His reply:

I try, what can I say?

And indeed, what more can I say? Other than, predictably, "fuckin' hell."

You're (not) hired!

And yet another response from outside of Toronto to my request for a local writing partner. This one from (drum roll, please...) The Philippines! Here's his stellar script:

#2 Knights

Sir Bruno comes home victorious against the barbarian Horde and was having a good ol' time chatting about the fight.

When the crowd went home only he and the Bartender are left. Both still drinking they are actually childhood friends.

Barkeep: "Come on Bruno, you expect me to believe that You alone defeated that Barbarian tribe with your bare hands? I saw the guy and he looked liked he could rape an Elephant!"

Sir Bruno: "Actually when the duel began he choked from his long beard when he shouted a battlecry, I just run there and shoved whats left of his beard to his mouth and pretended to choke him while yelling to the top of my lungs."

Wha--?! And here's his "resumé" (his word):

Resumé: Im a 26 years old and currently works for the government as a clerk. I watched a lot of movies and animes. My humor is based on what happens around us and sometimes from movies. if you need scripts I got them in my head ^_^.

Fuckin' hell. That's impressive. Maybe I'll hook this lad up with the producers of 24.

A riter's hard-sell

I reproduce here an entire Email from a would-be writing partner:

I could be someone to bounce ideas off. Although I really have nothing to bring to the table but my incredible copy-and-paste talent.

I'll just cut-and-paste this one into the recycle bin...

UPDATED: Riters who kant reed rite to me

So, more about my quest to find a writing partner. My advert specifically states that I'm looking for a collaborator local to Toronto.

So far, here's how the responses break down:

From Los Angeles: 3
From London, England: 2
From Manhattan: 1
From New Jersey: 1
From Toronto: 3

...and one response from someone who offered to show me his "special effects makeup portfolio". I'm choosing to take that one literally, not as some sort of cloaked sexual come-on.

Conclusions? (1) Two-thirds of people who consider themselves writers can't read and understand a basic request. (2) Latex fumes rot your brain something awful.

Another riter

This also came in response to my ad for a writing partner:

Here is a sample of writing that I did for a small comedy plot:

You have one male host named Mr. Hockey, who loves all types of sports, but his favourite is HOCKEY!!!

You have one female hostess named Mrs. Artsiss Fartsiss, who loves art shows, gallery shows, anything and everything to do about art!!!

The tension between them is so think that you can cut it with a hockey stick if you get my drift, which you will find later in this segment!

Mr. Hockey goes to the Air Canada Centre for opening game of the Leafs and Canadiens. During the game he stops 5 fans that have their shirts off and all of them spell L-E-A-F-S. He asks them the History between the Leafs and Canadiens. One of them farts and tells Mr. Hockey the whole history. The fan has a spray can and wants to spray! and Mr. Hockey decides why not and joins the fans for the rest of the game.

Mrs. Artiss Fartisss just left a starving arts show; she farted by accident and her stomach making growling noises. I think that she was main painting in the whole show.

The tension between these people escalates because Mrs. Artiss Fartiss can find a 5 Star restaurant and was forced to eat at Lick's. She accidentally bumps into Mr. Hockey inside Lick's and both hit the floor and she glances at him while they are still on the floor. Her facial expression says it all because she is looking at the other Mr. Hockey it you get my drift.

They both get up and decide to have dinner together, and the saga continues! THE END!

Too bad I lost my English-UtterFuckingNonsense dictionary.

Oppertunity losed?

I've recently been trying to find a collaborator to work on some comedy sketches (one of my many passions). So I placed an ad around the web, on a few selected sites. This came in response:

"hey.... i do have a more dry whit... and python is something i enjoy.... but my favorite has to be kids in the hall... but something i have been doing or trying to lately has been what i like to call policing pop culture... things are getting out of hand and there are way to many stupid people with nothing to say but mics in there hand and for some reason people are blind to this idiocy ... so i have been writing things like ... for example do u rember the CLUB BANGER with the brilliant writing THIS IS WHY IM HOT .... brilliant... anyways i wrote a skit for a friend to wrap this is why im hot while running on a tredmile.... standing on a bech with his winter coat on in the sauna... things like that.... i have a couple friends that like to write and want to do some shit to so i dunno maybe we could colaberate"

So I wrote a short, polite note declining, and got this back within moments:

"wow that was short u asked for somone that was funny to write with not an editor .... your loss good look with making people laugh"

Maybe I should have taken him on. He sure made me laugh.