Simpsons porn? Really?

If this definition of pornography is true: "...the portrayal of explicit sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual excitement and erotic satisfaction", then this, The Simpsons XXX Parody, fails on both counts.

I can maybe-sort-of understand spoofing popular sitcoms and superheroes in porn parodies (I do not doubt for one second that, for some, superhero iconography inspires lust, or that some people might pay money to see two women who vaguely resemble Phoebe and Rachel making out) but real people made up like yellow cartoon characters getting it on?!

What now? Are people watching porn for a laugh these days, instead of to get off? That's just (more) sad.

Avatar 1.3

I'm reading online there's another version of Avatar coming out on DVD, making it the third version of the film. Is it just me or does anyone else see the irony of a film with a strong environmental message being released three times on discs and packaging made from non-renewable resources?!

I get that audiences in general won't sit still for films over two hours and that theatre owners (rightly) don't like the longer films, because it means fewer screenings per day. So I'm not opposed to an extended cut of a film on DVD, if the film warrants it, but when it becomes the norm, when we can't ever see a "definitive" version of a film on a big screen with an audience, let's call it what it is: a cash-grab. Does a DVD release of Predators, to pick an example, need more footage?! The Expendables?! Would any amount of extra footage make Watchmen a good film?

Sometimes, studios mess with a director's vision. Films like Blade Runner and Brazil were released with happy endings which their respective directors railed against. In these sorts of cases, "Director's Cut" versions on DVD are valid. Sometimes films are restored years after they were made and new footage is unearthed, examples being Vertigo, or Metropolis. In this case, a new DVD release is warranted. These days, however, in most cases, the new editions are nothing more than scraps from the cutting room floor stuck back into the theatrical release, or in the case of comedies, a bit more nudity and swearing. It's now expected that nearly every major film release will have an alternate version available on DVD a few months later. That's not restoration, or artistic vision, that's planned greed.

Not being a buyer of DVDs (the odd used disc here, a Criterion disc there), it doesn't affect me much, but I worry for a society that not only consumes but is willing to re-consume basically the same thing a short while later (and in the case of Avatar, one more time!) I know someone who has a wall of DVDs, a lot of which, by his own admittance he bought "to have complete sets of.." [Indiana Jones, Star Wars, X-Men, etc.]. He hasn't watched some and has no desire to watch others. He's bought DVDs that do nothing but sit upon a shelf! He's bought into some marketer's idea of what constitutes a complete set of something. It borders on mania! When did seeing a film in a theatre become just the first part of an experience? More importantly why the F are we listening to marketers?!

I remember my father being outraged in the summer of 1977, upon finding out I'd been to see Star Wars again after he'd taken me. "What are you, stupid?" he asked. "You can't remember things?!" Harsh as that was for me to hear at 10 years of age, he had a good point.

Bizarro-Toronto?

Fuckin' hell.

And is it just me or does Ford remind anyone else of Sheriff J.W. Pepper (as played by Clifton James) from the early Roger Moore Bond movies?

Infantilization #3

I like Lifehacker (lifehacker.com), but sometimes the articles are ridiculous. One recent article was entitled, "How to Safely Disinfect and Clean Your Gadgets". One commenter, too stupid to realize we have products like dish soap asks,

Any DIY receipe for the iKlenz rather than paying $20 for water and a bit of some secret ingredients? [grammar and spelling uncorrected]

Really?!

If your readers really are this dim, Lifehacker, I would like to propose the following articles:

• Top Ten Tools to Help You Replace a Light Bulb (and how you can purchase them from me)
  
• Sneezing 101
• How to Hold Things
• Using Bar Soap
• Use Electrical Tape to Mark Your Toilet Brush and Ensure You Don't Use it to Wash Your Car, Scrub Your Back, or Brush Your Teeth
• Use a Proper Stance to Increase Your Unplugging Force
• Get Up: What to Do After You Fall Down
• What Could the Phone Ringing Mean? (a ten-part series)
• Using a Keyboard to Type
• Pencils and Eyes: Natural Enemies?
• How to Baby-Proof Blankets
  

A Glympse (into the abyss)

Hey, you! Yes, You. I want you to know where I am and let you track my movements on a website in real-time. What's that? You don't give a flying Foursquare? Well, tell that to the programmers of Glympse.

It's a new app that lets Self-Important You broadcast your location to your co-workers, family, or friends so they can then watch your movements on their PCs or smart phones.

My question, as with all these types of things, is "Why?!" I cannot envision any circumstance under which this would be useful. If you're going to be ten minutes late, just be ten minutes late; I don't want track you like I'm running fucking NORAD. I don't know how you work, but if someone I'm meeting with hasn't shown up by the time agreed on, I'm looking over my to-do list, responding to Email, or catching up on reading.

As the chirpy video guide shown above says, "My family likes to watch me as I head home." Listen, Chirpy, If your family has nothing better to do than watch a blip that represents you move towards their location, you might want to get them part-time jobs, or hobbies, or buy them books or something.

Orwell was wrong: we weren't forced into living in a surveillance society, we welcomed it. Big Brother is Watching Us, through channels we've put in place and happily pay for. Congratulations! You're the Mayor of Airstrip One.

Infantilization II

Not so fast, you fun-loving little bugger!

Kite flying is now banned in a Toronto park, The Toronto Star reports. One of the reasons cited was that some kite-flyers were cutting people with their nylon kite cords. Well, isn't that a question of assault at that point? Furthermore, is anyone really doing this cutting intentionally?

I hate this city some days.

The Infantilization of society continues...

Is it just me or is everyone getting stupider, unable to complete the simplest of tasks without someone helping them or consulting a "smart"phone application?

While browsing Lifehacker, a site I quite like, I came across this reader's question:

Any[one] have suggestions on tools to open those clamshell plastic packages? I usually try a combination of scissors and a knife but would definitely appreciate something easier.

Easier?! Tools don't get much simpler than a knife or scissors!

Cue the Dunce Apocalypse.

In case you don't know when you're being a &#$@ing jerk

Click here.

You're fucking welcome, and get off your high horse why don't you?!

It won't be long until we really do become the fat, floating-chair society shown Wall-E.