Simpsons porn? Really?

If this definition of pornography is true: "...the portrayal of explicit sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual excitement and erotic satisfaction", then this, The Simpsons XXX Parody, fails on both counts.

I can maybe-sort-of understand spoofing popular sitcoms and superheroes in porn parodies (I do not doubt for one second that, for some, superhero iconography inspires lust, or that some people might pay money to see two women who vaguely resemble Phoebe and Rachel making out) but real people made up like yellow cartoon characters getting it on?!

What now? Are people watching porn for a laugh these days, instead of to get off? That's just (more) sad.

In case you don't know when you're being a &#$@ing jerk

Click here.

You're fucking welcome, and get off your high horse why don't you?!

It won't be long until we really do become the fat, floating-chair society shown Wall-E.

There are a million screenplays in the naked city...

Every time I go to my local coffee shop to write, I'm surrounded by a sea of laptops and netbooks, many with open Word or Final Draft documents containing those unmistakable text "shapes" known collectively as a screenplay: wide blocks of description, narrow blocks of dialogue. From a distance it looks like Tetris being played by someone who has no idea what the object of the game is.

Similarly, I'm fairly certain that these screenplays are being written by people who have no clue how to tell an original story. Here's my guess of how these hundreds of screenplays living on hard drives across the city break down:

• 30%: 30 Rock spec scripts (most, presumably, not even close to the show's high standard of comedy)
• 9%: rewrites of films that have already been made. Yes, believe it or not, there is a sub-genre of "writer" that insists on rewriting scripts of films they didn't like. I know of someone who, and I quote from his blog, "I spent a few years in geek hell compulsively re-writing this movie [Star Wars: The Phantom Menace], literally, and no good came of it.' (Well, duh!)
• 30%: sci-fi/superhero movies
• 20%: horror/slasher/supernatural movies
• 10%: teen sex comedy movies
• 1%: solid, original scripts

Being involved with a comedy troupe, I'm always running into Creative Types writing The Next Big Thing. Once they find out I'm a writer and that I have worked as an editor, they're relentless in their pursuit of feedback. Free, of course, because to them my time isn't worth anything.

Well, Creative Types, the answer is "No". No, I won't read your Zombie Batman vs. Vampire Spider-Man script! No, don't send me your pitch for the next Star Trek series... What? Cloverfield vs. Aliens?! You do realize that "Cloverfield" refers to an area of Central Park and isn't the name of the monster, don't you? And you? You're writing a movie about people who fall in love over Twitter?

Listen, just forget I said anything, and I'll try not make eye contact with you while you're out writing your Masterpiece. Deal?

Cinema Death Watch, part I

I realise a lot proposed remakes and reboots and sequels never get made, but there are still piles that do.

The latest? A remake of Fame, this update starring Kelsey Grammer and Bebe Neurwith. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing Bebe getting her dance on--she's an oustanding dancer--but still... this just has to go on the Cinema Death Watch list. It can't be good, can it? The original was a touchy-feely piece of dreck; the spin-off TV series even more so.

I'm reminded of the old Saturday Night Live parody of the Fame song, sung as "Same! I sing the same song forever..."

Blech.

The circle of no life

Credit: http://gizmodo.com/5329594/the-circle-of-no-life

Sigh./Fie!

Fuckin' hell, that "Imagine Greater" tagline for SyFy annoys me. Imagine greater what?!

My suggestions:
1) Imagine Greater attention to spelling.
2) Imagine Greater shows can be found on other stations? You'd be right.

I know the purpose of slogans and brands is to get a person's attention, and damned if it hasn't worked. Doesn't mean I like it, though. I still think it's one focus group shy of wearing a hockey helmet for day-to-day activities. But let's not forget the target audience: folks who think Battlestar Galactica is the greatest bit of television ever.

Syentificly proven...

The SciFi Channel is now "SyFy". Whatever marketing asshole thought that up? Bet he thought it was kewl.

If you look at the programme offerings from the station, endless reruns of that Christ-awful Stargate: Atlantis, the near-franchise killer Enterprise, and other such crap, Sigh./Fie! might have been a more appropriate choice.

And don't even get me started about the tagline "Imagine Greater"...

For the six people who care...

...apparently the director's cut of Watchmen has been leaked. It's now doing the rounds on bittorrent sites. Warner Brothers expected to lose tens of dollars.

Say it ain't so, Jon

As the prospect of a longer director's cut of Watchmen looms, bloggers are again talking about this awful film.

A quick note to those who say it's faithful to the graphic novel: Learn to read.

Transformers... LESS than meets the eye

The movie I'd wanted to see wasn't playing when I'd got to the theatre last night. I must have misread the listings. So we decided to see something--anything!--since we were there and in the mood for a film. So in to Transformers 2 we went, thinking "fun summer blockbuster".

Well, the phrase "absolute shit" does not begin to describe this thing. I mean, I know it's a kiddie-flick so I didn't expect high art, but nor did I expect such a homophobic, borderline racist, ugly piece of cinema. Imagine if Jar-Jar Binks had been split into two characters that were transforming cars. Shades of Step 'n' Fetch!

The pacing is dreadful. This thing is on par with Nightwatch. I couldn't tell where one act ended and another began, and I think there were four acts. There was no build towards climax. It was all climax. The effects were overwrought and over-designed. How the Transformers transform is never simply shown... it's all closeups and fast edits to hide that fact that the modelers never figured out how Car A could plausibly turn into Robot A. Um... they did it for the toys. It actually was physically done.

Also, when the robots are robots or vehicles makes just as little sense. Case in point... Optimus Prime needs to talk to Sam on the hush-hush. So he shows up near Sam's college as... gigantic robot, Optimus Prime! WTF?! Why not drive up as the truck, have Sam get in, have a conversation with him? Robots in disguise, anyone? Throughout this film, fast and loud trumps plausible. Robots transform to vehicles mid-battle and back again microseconds later. In fact, every damn thing is constantly transforming. Toasters, blenders, R/C cars, motorcycles, dumptrucks, planes... it's too much. Even hundreds of ball bearings transform into needlessly complicated little machines, for gawdssake. It's too much of everything, and it ends up just being a long, noisy mess.

Oh, there are humans in this film but you wouldn't know it. Megan Fox dresses slutty for the boys. Shia LeBeouf does his best "it's my destiny" gaze, reminding us he's now ruining two franchises (not that you could really ruin Transformers). John Turturro looks like he's regretting his trip to the Pyramids, but does contribute the only decent voice-acting for one of the Robots, sounding sort of like an octegenarian Alan Moore. Ramon Rodriguez plays a tough talking college boy who turns into a shrieking coward everytime something blows up near him. Which is often. Think Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element and you're getting close to how annoying this gets.

Two final thoughts. (1) This is a film about robots for kids. I challenge any kid to draw the robots. (2) this is a film to sell toys. Why then do the robots in the film not resemble the toys? Talk about a poor marketing plan.

If this is what popular entertainment has become, the robots can have the planet.

How touchy-effing-feely of you

http://lifehacker.com/5134177/nicecritic-sends-awkward-messages-anonymously

Jesus H.! Are we becoming so deathly afraid of personal contact or offending someone that it has come to this?! God forbid we confront someone directly, or find a tactful way to say something about what may be a sensitive issue for someone else. God forbid we interact!

The creators of this service should be told that this is complete bullshit. I'd do it, if only it was one of the pre-chosen messages I could send anonymously through their service. I wouldn't want anyone to think that I, personally, had a problem with anything...

Cue John Williams' signature tune in 25.1 surround sound...

It had to happen. Well, it didn't have to, but... it's going to...

According to The Hollywood Reporter, George Lucas is such a fan of the latest 3-D technology that he is planning to remaster all of the Star Wars films for rerelease in 3-D.

As the fans of Star Wars get older and fatter is there going to be room in the theatres for them plus Jabba and the various Death Stars busting out of the screen?

I'm holding out for My 3-D Dinner With Andre.

Twice Removed?

I walked past the Royal Winter Garden Theatre last weekend, and noticed a banner for "Happy Days: The Musical". So let me get this straight: we're about to get a nostalgic look at a nostalgic look at the 50s?! Fuck me.

My new million-dollar pitch to any theatre producers reading this: I Got Nothin': The Musical!