Torchwood Math

The second episode of the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood: Miracle Day saw a dramatic decline in viewership: about 30 percent, according to Entertainment Weekly columnist James Hibberd.

This means:

* 30% of the first-episode viewers were spared the f'ing awful hour of TV that was episode two. Everything about this episode failed: characterizations, motivations, the acting, the plot, everything. Imagine the worst expositional and mock-action excesses of 24 mixed with the logic- and chemistry-defying stupidity of MacGuyver. I gave T:MD a chance because Torchwood: Children of Earth was a gripping British SF thriller in the tradition of Quatermass. Now I'm thinking much of Children of Earth's success had to do with the direction of Euros Lyn, the wise choice to never show the 4-5-6, and a terrific performance from Peter Capalidi. T:MD is much closer to seasons 1 and 2 of Torchwood: absolute crap, start to finish.

* the 70% of viewers who returned got to sit through such gems of dialogue as "I'm not gay but I'll let you feel me up if you get me a vodka" and "Water? I'm American, too. Can't I contribute to our global cultural hegemony with a nice frosty cola?" Who would ever speak either of these lines?!

* 70% of epsiode 1 viewers got to see Wayne Knight--in a glass-walled office on a busy floor full of intelligence analysts!-- look as shifty and squirmy and guilty as anyone ever looked as he planned the end of Torchwood. It's as if the director said, "Do that character you did in Jurassic Park, but bigger." Where, oh where, is a dilophosaurus when you need one?

* 30% of the viewers are obviously smarter than I am, but rest assured I'll be contributing to the dropoff in viewing figures between episodes three and two. It's time to put the torch to Torchwood. And give good actors like Bill Pullman something worthwhile to be in.