Wonderwall by way of Songsmith

There are really no words for how wonderfully awful this is. Songsmith is a piece of Microsoft software that allows you to sing into it, then creates the backing music for you. Some brave souls dumped the vocal from Wonderwall into and this is the result. Would have been top-10 in 1983.

The Ten Commandments of Podcasting

I’ve been listening to lots of podcasts lately and for the most part it has been a very enjoyable experience. While I’m all for the do-it-yourself, non-commercial ethos of podcasting, there are some general areas where most enthusiast-produced podcasts fall short. To that end, I present my highly-subjective, perhaps slightly curmudgeonly, “ten commandments of podcasting”.

1. Thou shalt identify your podcast within its first 15 to 30 seconds. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating it is to try to figure out what I’m listening to, especially if I’ve put the podcasts onto my Shuffle-type mp3 player. A simple identifying tag off the top, such as “My Podcast, episode 15”, would be very much appreciated. The exception for which thou shalt be forgiven: if you lead in with a song. But I’d still prefer the tag first.

2. Thou shalt keep podcasts to a reasonable length. Two-hour podcasts?! And you’re not playing music?! Pass, thanks! I have a fairly long attention span, but if a topic is worth discussing for two hours, why not break it up over several episodes? For me, the sweet spot is about 30 minutes. If you have an eclectic podcast covering many topics each episode, does it need so many segments in one show? If the Learning Company can give a pretty good overview of an incredibly complex topic like world religions in 20 one-hour lectures, surely to God you don’t need six hours to talk about the latest CSI episode. Less is more.

3. Thou shalt get to the point, for fuck’s sake. Do not blather on about what you ate for lunch or where you live, unless your podcast is about what you eat for lunch or where you live. I went to listen to a podcast this morning which was ostensibly about Aleister Crowley, and the hosts rambled on about their hometown and the dampness in the studio and their haircuts and fuck-knows what else for ages. There was no discussion of Crowley until about 14 minutes in! Edit, people!

4. If thou hast sponsors, thou shalt keep their ads to 30 seconds or fewer. So you got a sponsor or two to help cover your equipment or bandwidth costs. Fantastic. But the tags for those sponsors shouldn’t run more than half a minute each. Surely you’ve seen TV ads and heard radio ads? Brevity is key here. SomeComicShop.com has sponsored you? Okay. Tell me where they are and (briefly) what they sell. I don’t need to know that SomeComicShop.com has… “manga, monster manga, giant robot manga, oversize manga, manga collections, cosplay manga, Japanese schoolgirl manga, futuristic motorcycle manga, post-apocalyptic manga, octopus manga, manga-related toys including monsters, giant robots, futuristic motorcycles, octopi” etc. etc. SomeComicShop.com sells manga and related toys. Got it.

5. Though shalt check the audio quality before it gets to my ears. If it’s unintelligible to you, why are you subjecting me to it? You obviously want to communicate something. Why else would you be making a podcast? Learn to use your recording equipment. Set levels appropriately. Practice your microphone technique. These are all simple skills to master. If I download one of your podcasts and it is unlistenable due to some technical fault, I won’t be downloading subsequent episodes.

6. Thou shalt normalize. You recorded your podcast and, by whatever means you used, it ended up as a digital file. Now take an extra five minutes to normalize the volume. This is especially important if you’ve got multiple segments or used different recording sources in your podcasts. Audacity, the excellent audio editing freeware, makes this simple. If I find that I am constantly fiddling with my mp3 player’s volume control while listening to your podcast, I’m not coming back for more.

7. Thou shalt tell me the band name and the song titles on the podcast. Don’t make me refer to your website. I’m usually listening on the go. Having play lists on your website is a boon, especially for someone like me who loves lists, but don’t let that be only place I can get the info.

8. Thou shalt not talk over each other. Learn some simple interview techniques. It will make your show much more appealing. And do you really need half a dozen guys in the studio all vying to be the funniest or smartest guy on the podcast? As well, please don’t chatter or cough or unwrap biscuits during songs if you’ve got a music podcast. There’s no excuse for this. It doesn’t make the show sound hip or intimate. It makes it sound sloppy and amateurish.

9. Thou shalt remember thine medium. It’s audio. I can’t see what gestures you are making with your hands. I can’t see the latest [insert object here] if you hold it up to the mic. And, unless you’re a particularly logical and eloquent instructor, I don’t think I’m going to be downloading in your origami-making podcast. Use descriptions. Keep it simple.

And finally…

10. Thou shalt not make me go through iTunes. If that’s the only way I can get your podcast, I won’t hear it. I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

Cheers.

Not a vibrator (but still exciting)...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7851989.stm

And the Oscar had better go to...

Listen. Read.

The first issue of Incognito, the newest comic series by writer Ed Brubaker and the inimitable artist Sean Philips is out now. Here's how Ed describes it:

Incognito is a noir pulp story about a super villain hiding who he really is in a witness protection program, but he tires of trying to live a suppressed ‘ordinary life’... It's like when the film Goodfellas ended. I wanted to see what happens next, when the bad guy can't take his forced normal life anymore.

I've read issue #1. It is on par with anything from the Brubaker-Philips team, and that's high praise indeed, with Sleeper and the ongoing Criminal both being excellent series. How the hell Philips draws so fast and keeps the quality this high is beyond me. (If you're chained to a desk against your will, hooked into a coffee and cocaine IV drip, Sean, I'm sorry, but I'll have to side with the publishers and keep you there cranking the stuff out...)

Hear Ed talk about Incognito and his other projects on the Wordballoon podcast here:

http://media.libsyn.com/media/wordballoon/WBbruincognito.mp3

Great things about Toronto #1

Click on the graphic and get out there and support live theatre!

Makes you proud to live here, dunnit? And nice to know that there's more to the theatre scene than Happy Days: The Musical.

Grant's Advice

A riter's hard-sell

I reproduce here an entire Email from a would-be writing partner:

I could be someone to bounce ideas off. Although I really have nothing to bring to the table but my incredible copy-and-paste talent.

I'll just cut-and-paste this one into the recycle bin...

Dear Mr. Obama,

Do a good job.

Or I may just have to NiceCritic you.

How touchy-effing-feely of you

http://lifehacker.com/5134177/nicecritic-sends-awkward-messages-anonymously

Jesus H.! Are we becoming so deathly afraid of personal contact or offending someone that it has come to this?! God forbid we confront someone directly, or find a tactful way to say something about what may be a sensitive issue for someone else. God forbid we interact!

The creators of this service should be told that this is complete bullshit. I'd do it, if only it was one of the pre-chosen messages I could send anonymously through their service. I wouldn't want anyone to think that I, personally, had a problem with anything...